He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
