She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
ugly people sure do ruin things
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
