Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
