There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
