Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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