A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Randomize
