I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am one with the molecules
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
