I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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