So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
