my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
