How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
