Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize