When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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