the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
