why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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