arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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