I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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