i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
