the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
