just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Don't make out with my wife yet
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
