using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
