I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
