good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
