On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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