At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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