i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
