rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
