I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
did i just pee glitter
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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