I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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