If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
