well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
