My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
