My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
