the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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