Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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