I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
