I like my sex mixed with concussions.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
