You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
