I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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