He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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