there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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