my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
