I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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