I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
