I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
