Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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