my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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