Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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