so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
