Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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