At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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