Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The air was thick with penises
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You are the jesus of drinking
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize