For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
