Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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