God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize