Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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