Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
