I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize