The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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