There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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