one might say we're banned from that church
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i've created a new STD.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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