I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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