My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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