i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
