Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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