You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
