i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
