I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
